Pornography: An Enemy of Absolute Integrity in the Church
“The Duty of Privilege is Absolute Integrity.” – John O’Donohue
I love this quote by John O’Donohue. It very much reminds me of Luke 12:48 (ESV), “... to whom much was given, of him much will be required.”
I’m afraid that in the modern church, the work of men holding each other to absolute integrity has been undermined by the inundation of sexual sin, mainly pornography use. After reading research from a variety of reputable sources, I’ll summarize with this– pornography use among Christian men, including pastors, is overwhelming (Barna, 2024). I believe it leads to a disabled church, rendered ineffective in the area of integrity. You can find some statistics and Barna's Book The Porn Phenomenon HERE.
If Christian men cannot, or will not, do the work of holding each other accountable for integrity, can you guess who ends up doing that work, and most often to her detriment? Devastatingly, his wife becomes the one to stand in the gap for her family.
One of the great betrayals against the family stemming from secret sexual sin and pornography use among Christian men is the cataclysmic redefining of family roles. With striking parallels to the story of Adam and Eve losing their innocence in the Garden of Eden, a wife's innocent trust in her husband's fidelity is abruptly ripped away with a force like that of a broken dam and resulting flash flood. Unless there is a knowledgable, discerning helper available to assist her in thinking through the possible outcomes of each of her available options, her knee-jerk reaction is to take on the emotional, relational, and moral responsibility of leading her husband and the family away from the perilous waters her husband unleashed upon the family- a task too great and a burden to heavy.
My hope for families in this situation is this-
A. Churches- this is where you can help! Just as you would if she experienced the traumatic death of her husband (in many ways she did), eliminate as much stress from her daily life as you can so she can focus on processing the betrayal and getting back to emotional equilibrium (meals, grocery shopping, babysitting, school/homeschool help, financial assistance if paying bills is a challenge during this time, etc.) Emotional, spiritual, and physical safety for the wives and children is the first order of business, and often requires a period of separation from the husband.
B. Wives- work with an experienced betrayal trauma coach or counselor who will support you through generating and examining all of your available options and potential outcomes.
C. Family, friends, and church family- provide non-coercive support for wives as they make informed and intentional decisions for themselves and their family. There should be no pressure on the wife to make a decision one way or another. She must be free to make the decisions because she is the one who will be responsible for the outcomes of those decisions.
D. Husbands- work with an experienced betrayal trauma coach or counselor who will support you in taking responsibility and accountability for your decision to betray your family. This is the hardest, most vulnerable, most redemptive, and best work you can do in the aftermath of the betrayal of your wife and family's trust.
Truly, my heart goes out to all those walking this path, and all members of the family (husbands included). If you need help getting back to equilibrium after betrayal, please feel free to reach out.
Starting Out Right
Clients are often surprised to find out that we start our new coaching relationship, not by digging into their story, analyzing conflict in their relationship, or facing their fears of divorce, but by working through the Best-Self Exercise. In the face of the stress and needs of divorce, why would we use the first session to complete this exercise?
The answer is this- in the divorce and co-parenting process, the most important conflict is not between exes and co-parents, it's between two versions of ourselves, our base-self, and our best-self. Divorce and all the fears it brings to the surface can turn a person into the worst version of themselves. As Debra Doak (my mentor) says, "Divorce makes normal people stupid, and stupid people go to jail." The Best-Self exercise is a tool I use to remind my clients, and my clients use to remind themselves, of who they are when they are operating within their deepest values, their finest interests, and their highest goals.
The Best-Self Exercise doesn't stop at that high point, though. It's also designed to paint a picture of what's going on when we are operating as our base-self. Maybe it's fear that brings it out, maybe it's frustration, or jealousy, or sadness, maybe it's a combination of these, but whatever it is, it turns us into the worst version of ourselves.
You've heard the phrase "knowledge is power?" It's true in this instance as well. Having knowledge of what's happening emotionally, combined with knowledge of why it's happening, is like having a rope we can use to climb out of a pit. It's helped clients time and again to recognize when they've dropped into a pit of emotions, to get clarity on why they're in the pit, and to climb out of the pit so they can show up the way they want to for themselves and their loved ones- a victory for the best version of themselves.
Feel free to reach out for more information on the Best-Self Exercise.
A Strategy for Achieving Goals!
Goals are important for everyone, and vital for those moving through the process of divorce and co-parenting, and other seasons of extraordinary change. Today, we're talking about goals- setting them, making progress toward them, and creating a strategy to achieve them.
Have you heard this question before- "If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?" If we rearrange it a bit, we can ask a more productive question- "Where are you going, and how will you know when you've arrived." This is an important question for clients and coaches alike, and it's foundational to all of my coaching sessions. Coaching, especially Divorce and Co-Parent Coaching, is about clients moving toward specific goals, in a specific order, and with a specific strategy.
So why do so many of us struggle to reach our goals? I believe these three things play a large part in the struggle- overwhelm from working on too many goals at once, lack of specificity in defining goals, and failure to create a viable strategy to achieve goals.
Overwhelm is the enemy of forward progress toward goals. We want to do it all! We want to get healthy, we want to get organized, we want to manage our money, we want to be a better parent, an on and on it goes! Doing it all at once often means doing nothing at all. Instead, when we prioritize our goals, our progress snowballs as each success builds upon the last.
Coaching question: Which of these goals is the most important for you to work on right now?
Example: I need to work on so many things, but the piece that is having the most negative impact on my life is the continuous negative communication with my co-parent. I need effective boundaries around communication with my co-parent.
Goals have to be specific. Without a specific goal, there isn't a specific reward, and the motivation just isn't there. Goals should have an attached outcome that provides the energy needed to continue the work. If we can't answer the coaching question below, we need to work on focusing in on a specific goal.
Coaching question: When you achieve your goal, how will your life be different?
Example: When I achieve my goal of establishing effective boundaries in communication with my co-parent, I will have more time and energy to think about my life with the kids. I will have more focus without stress bombs getting dropped on me throughout the day, and I will have a more positive outlook on my co-parenting relationship because I won't be continually frustrated.
And finally, we have strategy. The most brilliant strategy is useless if it doesn't include steps that we will actually take. It might seem impossible, but creativity is our saving grace. It is almost always possible to create a strategy that we can work out in reality.
Coaching questions: What are my options? Which of these options are viable, and which are not? Based on the viable options available to me, which of these options will I choose to achieve my goal?
Example: I could go "no contact" and avoid my co-parent. I could explain to my co-parent that he stresses me out and ask my co-parent not to contact me so often. I could have a family member take over communication with my co-parent. I could manage the frequency, time, and place in which I engage with communications from my co-parent.
Outcome: I have effective boundaries around communication with my co-parent. I check for messages in my co-parenting app after I eat lunch. If the communication requires a response, I will respond immediately. If it does not require a response, I will not respond. If it requires a response that I cannot give quickly, I will schedule 15 minutes on Saturday morning to formulate a response. I will close my co-parenting app until tomorrow after I eat my lunch.
Simple, right?! Sometimes it is simple. Other times it's not, and we need support to achieve our goals. A professional coach is trained to support clients through the process of change, through the process of setting and achieving goals, through the process of creating strategies and effective boundaries, and through the conflict that arises when an individual decides to grow.
Go forth, achieve your goals, and grow!
A Box Full of Darkness…
Have you ever heard a more perfect description of divorce than “A box full of darkness…”
This descriptive phrase comes from the poem The Uses of Sorrow by Mary Oliver. Here it is in full—
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
It doesn’t matter whether you were the one given the box of darkness, or you were the one giving the box to another; for a person who deeply values the covenant of marriage, it is a hard box to accept, and an equally hard box to give. For this person, only pain greater than divorce would have them pick up the box to begin with. However it came about, the gift was given, the paper wrapping removed, and the darkness emerged, swallowing the light… for a time.
As the darkness settles like a thick cloak, the passing of time seems polyrhythmic, burdened by the heavy, slow business of divorce and rushing toward an unknown future. Hard mornings, followed by hard days, followed by hard nights was the song carried along by the winds of process. Will the darkness never lift?
Ever so gently and softly, pin holes of light began pushing through the darkness. Eyes began adjusting to the contrast as bright points of beauty, hope, and love pierced more strikingly and clearly through the darkness than ever before. And so the gift was revealed. In brightness, the light shining from precious gifts does not create a shocking impact. Shining through darkness the light reveals its true glory.
*This post is dedicated to my children.
Conflict and the Brain
Take a moment to think about a recent conflict you’ve experienced with a person of significance in your life. Recapture the moment in your mind’s eye, feel the feelings, remember your thoughts and the words that were spoken. Do you recall a moment when your logic went out the window and your emotions took over?
In that moment, you likely experienced the wild ride of the amygdala hijack. In the blink of an eye, your amygdala (aka. your primal protector) took control and told your prefrontal cortex…“hold my drink.” You moved from a thinking state of mind (slow, careful, steady wins the race) to an action state of mind (Play dead! Run! Shield wall! Ready, aim, fire!). While our amygdala’s job is to keep us alive, her methods are not the most effective in modern day conflict.
With training and practice, we can calm our primal protector and bring our prefrontal cortex back online. Your amygdala just needs a little reassurance from your parasympathetic nervous system that death is not actually imminent.
Most of the conflicts we face today require critical thinking and creativity, both prefrontal cortex processes. Even in the most heated conflicts, even when the other party won’t play fair, even when all seems lost and vital relationships are on the line, we are capable of creating options and solutions that transform our challenging situations into opportunities!
Divorce is one of the most common (and often hostile) conflicts of our time. In the conflict of divorce, your primal protector is likely on high alert. However, solutions are found using critical thinking and creativity, and my work as an Alternative Dispute Resolution Divorce Coach is to help you get through your divorce with your prefrontal cortex leading the way!
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn: Conflict and your brain
While our amygdala’s job is to keep us alive, her methods are not the most effective in modern day conflict. Most of the conflicts we face today require critical thinking and creativity, both prefrontal cortex processes. Solutions are found using critical thinking and creativity, and my work as an Alternative Dispute Resolution Divorce Coach is to help you get through your divorce with your prefrontal cortex leading the way.
Take a moment to think about a recent conflict you’ve experienced with a person of significance in your life. Recapture the moment in your mind’s eye, feel the feelings, remember your thoughts and the words that were spoken. Do you recall a moment when your logic went out the window and your emotions took over?
In that moment, you likely experienced the wild ride of the amygdala hijack. In the blink of an eye, your amygdala (aka. your primal protector) took control and told your prefrontal cortex…“hold my drink.” You moved from a thinking state of mind (slow, careful, steady wins the race) to an action state of mind (Play dead! Run! Shield wall! Ready, aim, fire!). While our amygdala’s job is to keep us alive, her methods are not the most effective in modern day conflict.
With training and practice, we can calm our primal protector and bring our prefrontal cortex back online. Your amygdala just needs a little reassurance from your parasympathetic nervous system that death is not actually imminent.
Most of the conflicts we face today require critical thinking and creativity, both prefrontal cortex processes. Even in the most heated conflicts, even when the other party won’t play fair, even when all seems lost and vital relationships are on the line, we are capable of creating options and solutions that transform our challenging situations into opportunities!
Divorce is one of the most common (and often hostile) conflicts of our time. In the conflict of divorce, your primal protector is likely on high alert. However, solutions are found using critical thinking and creativity, and my work as an Alternative Dispute Resolution Divorce Coach is to help you get through your divorce with your prefrontal cortex leading the way!
Divorce is a gift, too.
Have you ever heard a more perfect description of divorce than “A box full of darkness…”
Have you ever heard a more perfect description of divorce than “A box full of darkness…”
This descriptive phrase comes from the poem The Uses of Sorrow by Mary Oliver. Here it is in full—
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
It doesn’t matter whether you were the one given the box of darkness, or you were the one giving the box to another; for a person who deeply values the covenant of marriage, it is a hard box to accept, and an equally hard box to give. For this person, only pain greater than divorce would have them pick up the box to begin with. However it came about, the gift was given, the paper wrapping removed, and the darkness emerged, swallowing the light… for a time.
As the darkness settles like a thick cloak, the passing of time seems polyrhythmic, burdened by the heavy, slow business of divorce and rushing toward an unknown future. Hard mornings, followed by hard days, followed by hard nights was the song carried along by the winds of process. Will the darkness never lift?
Ever so gently and softly, pin holes of light began pushing through the darkness. Eyes began adjusting to the contrast as bright points of beauty, hope, and love pierced more strikingly and clearly through the darkness than ever before. And so the gift was revealed. In brightness, the light shining from precious gifts does not create a shocking impact. Shining through darkness the light reveals its true glory.
Reaching your goals
Goals are important for everyone, and vital for those moving through the process of divorce and co-parenting, and other seasons of extraordinary change. Today, we're talking about goals- setting them, making progress toward them, and creating a strategy to achieve them. A DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coach is trained to support clients through the process of change, through the process of setting and achieving goals, through the process of creating strategies and effective boundaries, and through the conflict that arises when an individual decides to grow.
Goals are important for everyone, and vital for those moving through the process of divorce and co-parenting, and other seasons of extraordinary change. Today, we're talking about goals- setting them, making progress toward them, and creating a strategy to achieve them.
Have you heard this question before- "If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?" If we rearrange it a bit, we can ask a more productive question- "Where are you going, and how will you know when you've arrived." This is an important question for clients and coaches alike, and it's foundational to all of my coaching sessions. Coaching, especially Divorce and Co-Parent Coaching, is about clients moving toward specific goals, in a specific order, and with a specific strategy.
So why do so many of us struggle to reach our goals? I believe these three things play a large part in the struggle- overwhelm from working on too many goals at once, lack of specificity in defining goals, and failure to create a viable strategy to achieve goals.
Overwhelm is the enemy of forward progress toward goals. We want to do it all! We want to get healthy, we want to get organized, we want to manage our money, we want to be a better parent, an on and on it goes! Doing it all at once often means doing nothing at all. Instead, when we prioritize our goals, our progress snowballs as each success builds upon the last.
Coaching question: Which of these goals is the most important for you to work on right now?
Example: I need to work on so many things, but the piece that is having the most negative impact on my life is the continuous negative communication with my co-parent. I need effective boundaries around communication with my co-parent.
Goals have to be specific. Without a specific goal, there isn't a specific reward, and the motivation just isn't there. Goals should have an attached outcome that provides the energy needed to continue the work. If we can't answer the coaching question below, we need to work on focusing in on a specific goal.
Coaching question: When you achieve your goal, how will your life be different?
Example: When I achieve my goal of establishing effective boundaries in communication with my co-parent, I will have more time and energy to think about my life with the kids. I will have more focus without stress bombs getting dropped on me throughout the day, and I will have a more positive outlook on my co-parenting relationship because I won't be continually frustrated.
And finally, we have strategy. The most brilliant strategy is useless if it doesn't include steps that we will actually take. It might seem impossible, but creativity is our saving grace. It is almost always possible to create a strategy that we can work out in reality.
Coaching questions: What are my options? Which of these options are viable, and which are not? Based on the viable options available to me, which of these options will I choose to achieve my goal?
Example: I could go "no contact" and avoid my co-parent. I could explain to my co-parent that he stresses me out and ask my co-parent not to contact me so often. I could have a family member take over communication with my co-parent. I could manage the frequency, time, and place in which I engage with communications from my co-parent.
Outcome: I have effective boundaries around communication with my co-parent. I check for messages in my co-parenting app after I eat lunch. If the communication requires a response, I will respond immediately. If it does not require a response, I will not respond. If it requires a response that I cannot give quickly, I will schedule 15 minutes on Saturday morning to formulate a response. I will close my co-parenting app until tomorrow after I eat my lunch.
Simple, right?! Sometimes it is simple. Other times it's not, and we need support to achieve our goals. A professional coach is trained to support clients through the process of change, through the process of setting and achieving goals, through the process of creating strategies and effective boundaries, and through the conflict that arises when an individual decides to grow.
Go forth, achieve your goals, and grow!
starting Strong in divorce and co-parenting
Clients are often surprised to find out that we start our new coaching relationship, not by digging into their story, analyzing conflict in their relationship, or facing their fears of divorce, but by working through the Best-Self Exercise. In the face of the stress and needs of divorce, why would we use the first session to complete this exercise?
The answer is this- in the divorce and co-parenting process, the most important conflict is not between exes and co-parents, it's between two versions of ourselves, our base-self, and our best-self. Divorce and all the fears it brings to the surface can turn a person into the worst version of themselves. As Debra Doak (my mentor) says, "Divorce makes normal people stupid, and stupid people go to jail." The Best-Self exercise is a tool I use to remind my clients, and my clients use to remind themselves, of who they are when they are operating within their deepest values, their finest interests, and their highest goals.
The Best-Self Exercise doesn't stop at that high point, though. It's also designed to paint a picture of what's going on when we are operating as our base-self. Maybe it's fear that brings it out, maybe it's frustration, or jealousy, or sadness, maybe it's a combination of these, but whatever it is, it turns us into the worst version of ourselves.
You've heard the phrase "knowledge is power?" It's true in this instance as well. Having knowledge of what's happening emotionally, combined with knowledge of why it's happening, is like having a rope we can use to climb out of a pit. It's helped clients time and again to recognize when they've dropped into a pit of emotions, to get clarity on why they're in the pit, and to climb out of the pit so they can show up the way they want to for themselves and their loved ones- a victory for the best version of themselves.
Feel free to reach out for more information on the Best-Self Exercise.
Win in Mediation!
DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coaches help clients prepare for mediation by exploring underlying needs, generating options, and clarifying goals, identifying roadblocks to agreement, working through tough emotions, and practicing effectively communicating needs. DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coaches help their clients build bridges that meet their needs, and that the other party is more likely to walk across to meet them in the middle.
Get Ready for Mediation!
Don't Fall for these Misconceptions about Mediation!
Build a Bridge for a Win-Win in Mediation!
Pornography: An Enemy of Absolute Integrity in the Church
The work of men holding each other to absolute integrity has been undermined by the inundation of sexual sin, mainly pornography use. One of the great betrayals against the family stemming from secret sexual sin and pornography use among Christian men is the cataclysmic redefining of family roles. If Christian men cannot, or will not, do the work of holding each other accountable for integrity, can you guess who ends up doing that work?
“The Duty of Privilege is Absolute Integrity.” – John O’Donohue
I love this quote by John O’Donohue. It very much reminds me of Luke 12:48 (ESV), “... to whom much was given, of him much will be required.”
I’m afraid that in the modern church, the work of men holding each other to absolute integrity has been undermined by the inundation of sexual sin, mainly pornography use. After reading research from a variety of reputable sources, I’ll summarize with this– pornography use among Christian men, including pastors, is overwhelming (Barna, 2024). I believe it leads to a disabled church, rendered ineffective in the area of integrity. You can find some statistics and Barna's Book The Porn Phenomenon HERE.
If Christian men cannot, or will not, do the work of holding each other accountable for integrity, can you guess who ends up doing that work, and most often to her detriment? Devastatingly, his wife becomes the one to stand in the gap for her family.
One of the great betrayals against the family stemming from secret sexual sin and pornography use among Christian men is the cataclysmic redefining of family roles. With striking parallels to the story of Adam and Eve losing their innocence in the Garden of Eden, a wife's innocent trust in her husband's fidelity is abruptly ripped away with a force like that of a broken dam and resulting flash flood. Unless there is a knowledgable, discerning helper available to assist her in thinking through the possible outcomes of each of her available options, her knee-jerk reaction is to take on the emotional, relational, and moral responsibility of leading her husband and the family away from the perilous waters her husband unleashed upon the family- a task too great and a burden to heavy.
My hope for families in this situation is this-
A. Churches- this is where you can help! Just as you would if she experienced the traumatic death of her husband (in many ways she did), eliminate as much stress from her daily life as you can so she can focus on processing the betrayal and getting back to emotional equilibrium (meals, grocery shopping, babysitting, school/homeschool help, financial assistance if paying bills is a challenge during this time, etc.) Emotional, spiritual, and physical safety for the wives and children is the first order of business, and often requires a period of separation from the husband.
B. Wives- work with an experienced betrayal trauma coach or counselor who will support you through generating and examining all of your available options and potential outcomes.
C. Family, friends, and church family- provide non-coercive support for wives as they make informed and intentional decisions for themselves and their family. There should be no pressure on the wife to make a decision one way or another. She must be free to make the decisions because she is the one who will be responsible for the outcomes of those decisions.
D. Husbands- work with an experienced betrayal trauma coach or counselor who will support you in taking responsibility and accountability for your decision to betray your family. This is the hardest, most vulnerable, most redemptive, and best work you can do in the aftermath of the betrayal of your wife and family's trust.
Truly, my heart goes out to all those walking this path, and all members of the family (husbands included). If you need help getting back to equilibrium after betrayal, please feel free to reach out.
Finding Strength in the Pivot
Finding Strength in the Pivot
Some of my favorite moments of the week are spent tending my houseplants. Especially in the cold months, their warm tones are a kind contrast to winter’s harsh, glaring sun.
Two weeks after moving several plants to the master bathroom’s east-facing window, making room for the Christmas tree on the west side of the home, I noticed the plants’ strongest stems had made a pivot toward the closest window. I also noticed the pivot point was much stronger and thicker compared to the rest of the stems, just at its gentle, purposeful turning. Who would I be if I hadn’t stopped to ponder the similarity between strength in the plants’ pivoting stems, and how pivots in our lives can provide opportunities for strengthening as we reach toward better conditions.
My research shed light (pun intended) on a natural phenomenon called phototropism. A hormone called auxin communicates to the cells in the shaded part of the stem that they must stretch. When they do so, it creates an area of strength necessary to support the growth of the stem as it reaches toward the light. The sunlight invites the plant to pivot, but the strength is created because of the shade, and in the shade!
Here’s the object lesson for us- We can build strength during times of change to support ourselves on a new path toward better conditions. Whether by choice, or by some other force, we all experience change. It may be a change of status, location, ability, responsibility, and/or any combination of other circumstances. Change, however big or small, creates stress (shade), communicating to us the potential need for a pivot toward better conditions. In the shade, our internal mechanisms (cued by stress) invite and/or urge us to pivot toward these better conditions.
When you experience one of life’s inevitable changes, how will you develop the strength needed to grow in a new direction?
Might I suggest one of your greatest potentials for developing strength lies in fully experiencing shade. Shade’s job is to produce stress. When the stress reaches the point of breaking through our defenses and into our awareness, we have an opportunity to examine what it is trying to communicate to us. The feelings of loneliness, discomfort, fear, isolation, confusion, boredom, disappointment, sadness, grief, etcetera, are experienced in shady places. What are these feelings trying to say? What can they tell you about the conditions you want in your life and in your future?
If you are experiencing shade, feeling the need for a pivot, and wanting better conditions, but not sure how to gather the strength to make the turn, I would love to come along side you on your journey. You will build strength in your gentle pivot as we work together to reach better conditions by bringing awareness to your values, interests, needs, and goals . I would love to hear from you.
See you soon!
Christina
Please reach out at cnfewcoaching@gmail.com, or by calling 972-268-5481. Lastly, if you’d like resources designed to bring clarity to values, interests, needs, and goals, type your email address into the field found at the bottom of any page of my website (www.cnfewcoaching.net), and I’ll add you to my email list so you never miss a resource.
