Pornography: An Enemy of Absolute Integrity in the Church

“The Duty of Privilege is Absolute Integrity.” – John O’Donohue

I love this quote by John O’Donohue. It very much reminds me of Luke 12:48 (ESV), “... to whom much was given, of him much will be required.”

I’m afraid that in the modern church, the work of men holding each other to absolute integrity has been undermined by the inundation of sexual sin, mainly pornography use. After reading research from a variety of reputable sources, I’ll summarize with this– pornography use among Christian men, including pastors, is overwhelming (Barna, 2024). I believe it leads to a disabled church, rendered ineffective in the area of integrity. You can find some statistics and Barna's Book The Porn Phenomenon ​HERE​.

If Christian men cannot, or will not, do the work of holding each other accountable for integrity, can you guess who ends up doing that work, and most often to her detriment? Devastatingly, his wife becomes the one to stand in the gap for her family.

One of the great betrayals against the family stemming from secret sexual sin and pornography use among Christian men is the cataclysmic redefining of family roles. With striking parallels to the story of Adam and Eve losing their innocence in the Garden of Eden, a wife's innocent trust in her husband's fidelity is abruptly ripped away with a force like that of a broken dam and resulting flash flood. Unless there is a knowledgable, discerning helper available to assist her in thinking through the possible outcomes of each of her available options, her knee-jerk reaction is to take on the emotional, relational, and moral responsibility of leading her husband and the family away from the perilous waters her husband unleashed upon the family- a task too great and a burden to heavy.

My hope for families in this situation is this-

A. Churches- this is where you can help! Just as you would if she experienced the traumatic death of her husband (in many ways she did), eliminate as much stress from her daily life as you can so she can focus on processing the betrayal and getting back to emotional equilibrium (meals, grocery shopping, babysitting, school/homeschool help, financial assistance if paying bills is a challenge during this time, etc.) Emotional, spiritual, and physical safety for the wives and children is the first order of business, and often requires a period of separation from the husband.

B. Wives- work with an experienced betrayal trauma coach or counselor who will support you through generating and examining all of your available options and potential outcomes.

C. Family, friends, and church family- provide non-coercive support for wives as they make informed and intentional decisions for themselves and their family. There should be no pressure on the wife to make a decision one way or another. She must be free to make the decisions because she is the one who will be responsible for the outcomes of those decisions.

D. Husbands- work with an experienced betrayal trauma coach or counselor who will support you in taking responsibility and accountability for your decision to betray your family. This is the hardest, most vulnerable, most redemptive, and best work you can do in the aftermath of the betrayal of your wife and family's trust.

Truly, my heart goes out to all those walking this path, and all members of the family (husbands included). If you need help getting back to equilibrium after betrayal, please feel free to reach out.